HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH DIVORCE

HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH DIVORCE

It is widely accepted that children of divorce suffer a number of painful emotional reactions and sometimes exhibit behavioral disturbance. However, a number of techniques can be used by divorcing parents to reduce the harmful effects on children. The most important factor of all is development of a cooperative co-parenting relationship during the divorce and afterwards. Children usually adjust best after a divorce when they have frequent access without conflict to both their mother and father.

The following five factors have been found to contribute to children=s adjustment after divorce.

1. Frequent contact with the non-custodial parent (unless there is a lot of child-centered conflict, or the non-custodial parent has such severe psychological maladjustment that he or she cannot be supportive of the child, given the involvement of the other parent).

2. An absence of hostile comments about the other parent. This produces good co-parenting cooperation and support.

3. A consistent, safe, structured and predictable home environment without parenting disruptions.

4. Good healthy, caring and conflict-free relationships between the child and both parents.

5. Healthy emotional well-being of the custodial parent.

In order to improve the child=s adjustment after the divorce, there should be a focus on the child=s coping skills. In addition, parents should focus on improving each child-parent relationship. They should also focus on improving their own parenting skills and their cooperation with each other. Sometimes group treatment in the school or elsewhere can help children talk about their feelings after a divorce. It helps them to talk with their siblings, with their parents, with friends, or with a therapist.

After a divorce, parents need to be good listeners to their children. This helps the child cope with emotionally charged subjects. Do not share the details of marital infidelity or sexual deprivation with the children. Do not tell them what you do not like about your spouse. Explain firmly to the children that they can not rescue or restore the marriage. Make sure they realize that the divorce is not their fault. Explain your reluctance to divorce. Explain how the children have been a great pleasure in the marriage. Let them know what changes to expect. Make sure they realize they will have continuing contact with both parents.

In the first two years after a divorce, children especially need the following four types of assistance: 1. additional emotional support; 2. protection from ongoing hostilities between the parents; 3. a structured home environment with a predictable daily routine; 4. a communication link with each parent.

Most children clearly need both a mother and a father after divorce. Therefore, each parent must accept the ex-spouse in spite of personal hurt and anger.

Of all the factors surrounding divorce that can be harmful to a child emotionally, the most destructive is post-divorce conflict between parents. In many cases, there is ongoing litigation between the parents in which each one wants to hurt the other financially and emotionally. The children are at great risk for getting caught up in a battle of this type. Often they are used as pawns in the battle. Sometimes the parents hate each other so much that they even want to kill each other. Physical fighting is common. Shootings and sometimes murder occur. In many cases, although the parents claim that they are fighting for the best interest of their child, what actually seems to be happening is that they hate each other so much that it is more important for them to hurt their ex-spouse than it is to help their children. Sometimes they are angry about infidelity or jealousy. A frequent outcome of conflict is that the father resents the support payments and eventually stops making them. At the same time, the mother resents the father=s continuing contact with the children and subtly discourages that. As a result, the children lose both the financial and emotional support of the noncustodial father in many cases.

Children must see themselves as made from both their mothers and their fathers. It is important that they can see the good qualities in both of their parents. They must view even the noncustodial parent as worthy because they unconsciously know they are somehow like that person. If they hear one parent criticized by the other, they feel personally put down. They might think that they will turn out like that too. This can cause the development of low self-esteem.

Children typically want to think that both parents can be there for them at a wedding, at a graduation, and other important times. They might need both parents, especially when they get ill or get into financial difficulty. If the conflict between parents is too great, then this source of support is lost for the child.

In many cases, divorce does not end marital conflict. Sometimes the parents are so preoccupied with their own emotional pain that they can not see their children=s needs. This becomes an especially great problem when there is an ongoing custody battle between the parents. The child loves both parents, but they get used as a spy or informant. They also suffer when they hear criticism of the other parent. The result can be a feeling of sadness or worry about the parent or a feeling of emotional isolation. Children are desperately trying to cope with their fantasies and their terror. During the custody conflict, they may develop anxiety disorders and many symptoms of depression. Sometimes it seems that the parent is more dependent on the child. The child feels compelled to prevent psychological deterioration of the parent.

The financial problems that are always present with a divorce get much worse when there is post-divorce legal conflict. In these cases, there is poor cooperation and increased legal fees. The children suffer emotionally from this, and may exhibit aggressive behavior or withdrawn behavior. When it=s time for a weekend visit, one parent may say, AThe children do not want to visit their mother or father. I can not make them visit.@ Of course, parents can make their children go to school, and in most cases they could also enforce the visitation requirements. Children may actually be afraid such a parent will feel hurt if they admit that they want to take their visits with the other parent. In these cases, the parent may subtly discourage the visit either by being late or not showing up at all, or by changing plans at the last minute, or by suggesting attractive alternative activities for the child. He or she might plan to take them to a movie or a circus on the day when the visit with the other parent was supposed to occur. At the same time, a parent may get messages from a new wife or husband or friend that he or she resents the time or money spent on children from a prior marriage. All of this can contribute to reduced contact between children and a parent.

As the children get older, they may want to change their visitation plans to accommodate their own social life. The parents must be mature enough to adjust to that need without taking it as a personal rejection.

The best relationship that former spouses can maintain is the cooperative, co-parenting relationship. If they can agree on issues surrounding child rearing, then the children will adjust much better.

When the relationship between the parents is good enough that they can agree on joint custody, both parents on average are more satisfied. There is a lower rate of going back to court.

In order for joint custody to work, the parents must be able to say, AWe do not love each other enough to be able to live together anymore, but we can still love our children enough to cooperate with each other about raising them.@

The attitude that co-parents must take is one in which they are reasonable and forgiving. They have to maintain a sense of decency. They must not grab at the easiest weapon they can find to hurt their ex-spouse because that would often be the children.

In order to make cooperative co-parenting work, each parent must repeatedly tell him- or herself, AThis is another adult who loves my child. It=s good for my children to have more adults love him or her.@ This method can be used to help the custodial parent recognize the value of visits with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and other people. If the parent truly loves the child, they can put the needs of the child first, making an effort to stay on good terms with ex-in-laws.

The parents need to separate their own lingering hostility towards the ex-spouse from the child=s need for a continuing relationship with the other parent and with grandparents. It=s also important for the grandparents to remember not to take sides against their former son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

When they get along well enough to live nearby each other and cooperate with baby-sitting and child care for each other, the parents help their children adjust much better. This reduces the child care expense and increases contact with loving family members. Often the two parents have different work schedules which allows them to share child care responsibilities. Each parent must remind him- or herself, AThis is my child. I love my child. My child needs two parents. There is something good about my child=s other parent. It=s okay for my child to remain close to the other parent.@ These kinds of self-statements help each parent better tolerate the continued contact the child has with the other parent.

In some cases, divorced couples require counseling or mediation to help them cooperate in child rearing. This can also help control or reduce their anger, hostility and rage.

Children generally adjust best after a divorce when they live in the same house and attend the same school as they did before the divorce. They adjust best when they learn from both parents in advance about the divorce. They must be told by both parents, AI love you.@ They must have continuing contact with as many supportive relatives as possible. They must not be used as spies or for revenge.

In order to establish cooperative co-parenting, each parent must realize that it=s understandable after the pain of the divorce that they experience tension and conflict between them. However, the child has important needs so the parents must set aside their differences. They must bring their problem-solving skills to bear on helping their child with the emotional and behavioral difficulties that often occur for all children, and especially for children of divorce. They must focus on the child=s needs first. That is possible and very helpful.

Parents can learn the skills that will improve their children=s adjustment. These include consistency, emotional stability, problem-solving skills, appropriate limit setting and open communication skills.

Teenagers are found to adjust much better when there is social support from friends, relatives, and sometimes a therapist. Parents have to find ways to reduce the shock and stress of divorce on the children. They can do this by reducing the life changes that the children must go through. Whenever possible, maintain family routines, family rituals, and activities.

After a divorce, typically one or both parents will remarry. The addition of a stepfather helps boys more than it does girls. Everyone in the family must go through adjustments to new stepparents. The adjustment to remarriage of parents is much more difficult when there is ongoing hostility between the parents.

Author: William Gasparrini, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, Applied Psychology Center, P.C., 2472 Pass Road, Biloxi, MS 39531-2838, Phone: (601) 388-9303.